Earlier this year I lost my mother unexpectedly and the pain of her absence has been unbearable at times. To add insult to injury, in the wake of my grief, life seemed to heap-on top of my pain a series of crises, leaving me to wonder, “Seriously God, can a Sista get a break?!”
I have asked more than ever before in my life, “Where are you God?” Looking back, God prepared me for this season, He gave me a word that seemed to have no real meaning until all hell broke loose in my life:
It’s going to look like I’m not moving,
It’s going to look like I don’t care,
It’s going to look like I’m not helping,
But I AM there”
So here I am – in mourning, finding no reprieve from additional crises that are mounting in my life.
I’ll be honest, this initially caused me to drift away from God. But his words “I AM there” moved me to reach up for His hand daily to grip and brace to face each day.
Grip and brace… This was my automatic response to the tingling pain of sorrow that swept in without warning and sent me into a dark place.
I recall dropping off my kids for the first day of summer camp and I couldn’t help but feel like a concerned mom, wondering if they would be okay.
My motherly emotional response brought to the surface a longing for my own mother.
Then, I did it…I gripped and braced for the wave of emotions that I anticipated would sweep in and steal my joy, leaving me in sorrow.
These experiences had already taught me that I couldn’t stop the floodgate of grief from flowing. The only uncertainty I had, was whether it would be fleeting or would it completely high-jack my plans for the remainder of the day?
Would it be a single tear drop and a pause for a moment — or an all-out cry fest as I clinch my pillow and bury my face in my bed?
There is something about being powerless over your own pain that drives you to seek a power source.
For me, my strength came when I envisioned gripping Jesus’ hand and I reminded myself that while I’m weak, God is Almighty.
When I was trying to make simple decisions that seemed to be overwhelming… I just gripped Jesus’ hand and braced.
When I was trying to piece together my life as a motherless daughter… I just gripped Jesus’ hand and braced.
When I was trying to care for my family, and I so desperately needed someone to take care of me… I just gripped Jesus’ hand and braced.
There have been so many emotional waves that have swept over me, that I began to notice a pattern… Amazingly, I always survived.
It undoubtedly felt painful in the moment, but as long as I kept my hand in Gods, I always prevailed in the end. I made it through the moments and I’m stronger for each time that I did.
Now, I know that even if the wave of emotions catches me off guard, I may be initially startled by the flood of grief.
I know something from the experience of being hit with enough waves to guide me through the next wave and that is this:
It won’t last forever and when the wave subsides, I will emerge as the victor.
It has been in this season that God has crafted a series of experiences that is teaching me how to trust God in my pain and how to love him when it’s hard to believe that he still loves me.
It’s not easy, but with each grip and brace, I experience God’s faithfulness, grace, and His love.
“To my adversary – You grossly underestimated my faith and my God’s power – Shame on you!”
#ShesStillThere #GOFAITH #TheAudacityOfMe